July was the summer of love. I did a wedding each weekend and watched Love Island each weekday night. Inevitably, I found myself thinking about the show while I worked. One phrase stuck in my head – ‘back yourself’ - which is what the Love Island men said as they strutted around like peacocks. ‘You got to back yourself’. ‘I back myself’. ‘You should back yourself, mate’.
As I worked away in my garage on a wedding, the phrase ‘back yourself’ went round and round in my head. I had an epiphany - ‘I don’t back myself. I haven’t backed myself since I started my new career in flowers. If those peacocks back themselves why don’t I?’
I know why. I’ve always had a crippling lack of self-confidence. I could attribute this to losing my mum at a young age. It was rare to for me to hear that I’d made someone proud. Praise and attention came when I’d done something exceptional. Through striving, I received what I was seeking. I wasn’t allowed to take Art past GCSE as ‘my potential’ lay in something more academic. Of course it’s possible that I’m naturally determined because my daughter sure is.
I have always strived, got great grades, been promoted and taken on responsibility. I got into teaching partly because the goals were set out in front of me and I could strive to achieve them. I was observed nearly weekly and anything less than ‘outstanding’ broke me. By the time I’d been in the profession eight years, I was a deputy head and outstanding in every area of my teaching and managerial practice – broken and disillusioned.
I made a career change into a corporate environment initially as a writer but true to form, I couldn’t help myself and was promoted and promoted and had a team and did large talks and boosted sales and…started having panic attacks. I was prescribed diazepam and the doctor suggested that before each big talk I should take one. I decided that was not going to be me. I quit. I remember I sat my dad down and said – ‘I’m sorry I’m quitting. I’m 35 and I want to be happy.’
The move into flowers was a move to gain control of my own life – to turn my hobby, my love of flowers, into a rewarding job. I wanted a slower pace of life. I wanted to feel less pain, to punish myself less. But I hadn’t realised how hard it would be to change the habit of a lifetime.
In my second year, I’d booked over thirty weddings. ‘Thirty weddings’ I whispered to myself gleefully. My step mum had said – ‘But you’ll have to do 52 weddings a year to earn anywhere close to your potential.’
And I was striving, without realising it, towards that goal – to reach my ‘potential’.
I’ve now realised it’s not about doing lots of weddings. It’s about doing the right weddings. Wedding work is highly creative and involved and yes, stressful so I want to do it for the right people. I do it because I love it. I love weddings. I love working closely with couples.
I’m quoting more than I used to because I back myself. I don’t want someone to choose me because I’m cheap. I’m filtering enquiries because I back myself. I am starting to see who understands me and I will never copy a picture or imitate another florist’s style. There’s now a box on my website enquiry form that says ‘tell me why you want to WildFolk to do your wedding flowers’. I’m getting fewer enquiries but that is what I want because the right ones to come through.
After five weeks of back to back epic weddings, I can finally say that I one hundred percent back myself. No one has given me a star, a grade, a pay rise – I have decided myself that my work is worth backing. I have reached my full peacocking potential.
Photo of meadow trough for aisle by Aurora Grey Photo